Thinking Of You
by bellaxmorte
Summary: A song fic based on "Thinking Of You" by Katy Perry. Post Eclipse, Pre Breaking Dawn. Bella loses Edward. Her thoughts, five years later.


**Thinking Of You**

_Comparisons are easily done  
Once you've had a taste of perfection  
Like an apple hanging from a tree  
I picked the ripest one  
I still got the seed_

Five years. Five long, sorrowful, painful years. That's how long it's been since Edward was killed. Victoria, Riley, and Benjamin had gotten to him before Jacob and Sam could get to where we were. The wolves, plus Jasper and Emmett, took them down. But too late. Too late for Edward. Too late for my love, my life. My world.

_You said move on  
Where do I go  
I guess second best  
Is all I will know_

Jacob was all I had left. He's been trying to fix me all this time. I care about him, I really do. But its nothing like it was with Edward. Jacob isn't my soul mate, the love of my existence like Edward was.

_Cause when I'm with him  
I am thinking of you  
Thinking of you  
What you would do if  
You were the one  
Who was spending the night  
Oh I wish that I  
Was looking into your eyes_

I have pictures of him. But that's all. All that's left of the man who meant everything to me. Everything, and then some. I don't know how to get past him. I don't think I can. I'm nothing without him. I'm just an empty shell without him. Life and meaning are gone.

_You're like an Indian summer  
In the middle of winter  
Like a hard candy  
With a surprise center  
How do I get better  
Once I've had the best  
You said there's  
Tons of fish in the water  
So the waters I will test_

I know it was his original plan to stay away from me and let me pick someone else, someone natural for me, as he said. Someone human. Someone healthier for me. So I finally said yes to Jacob. If I can make him happy, that's something, right? Maybe I can start to be a little happier with him too. I really don't know.

_He kissed my lips  
I taste your mouth  
He pulled me in  
I was disgusted with myself_

At first, though, I couldn't even look at Jacob. I couldn't look at anyone, really. Those first three months were bad. Really bad. Charlie almost had to check me into the hospital. I barely ate. I couldn't sleep. Whenever I did, I had horrible nightmares. They would start out wonderful, Edward and I in our meadow, just being together. I can smell his sweet scent, taste his lips on mine. Then the vampires come in, and they kill him, right in front of me. Again and again and again. I hear the metallic screech of my life being ripped apart, smell the thick smoke of my whole world being set on fire. And I wake up screaming like never before. And I can't stop for about 10 minutes every time.

_Cause when I'm with him  
I am thinking of you  
Thinking of you  
What you would do if  
You were the one  
Who was spending the night  
Oh I wish that I  
Was looking into..._

When Jacob holds me, I crave a different embrace. A cold, marble-like god holding me. I look into Jacob's warm brown eyes, and I miss the ocher eyes I haven't seen in so long. I feel his softer, hot, dark skin, and I long for the cold, hard, white skin of the one I was going to spend the rest of my life, and several more after that with. I look at Jacob, and I can't breathe right. I look at Jacob and I want to see Edward.

_You're the best  
And yes I do regret  
How I could let myself  
Let you go  
Now the lesson's learned  
I touched and I was burned  
Oh I think you should know_

I hate myself everyday for not insisting that Edward take me far away from that fight with him. Continents away. I will hate myself everyday of the rest of my life for not making sure my world was safe. My angel. My angel is gone.

_Cause when I'm with him  
I am thinking of you  
Thinking of you  
What you would do if  
You were the one  
Who was spending the night  
Oh I wish that I  
Was looking into your eyes  
Looking into your eyes  
Looking into your eyes_

I wish I could see Edward's eyes again. The ones that hypnotized me with one glance. The ones that brimmed with love every time he looked at me. The ones I will never, ever see again.

_Oh won't you walk through  
And bust in the door  
And take me away  
Oh no more mistakes  
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay..._

Sometimes, I forget. I think he'll knock on the door, sneak in through my window once again. And then I remember he never will again, and it's that much harder.  
I miss you. I love you. Edward…wait for me, wherever you are. We'll be together again, my love.


End file.
